My Experience with Deeksha.

I received my first Deeksha in April 05. It was a gentle and pleasant experience. I felt an expanded awareness and enjoyable tingling and other sensations in my head and body. The wonderful feelings stayed with me for many hours and a sense of blissful peace for much longer. It was not much compared to some of the experiences I have since read about, but it was enough to get my attention.

Since childhood, for nearly 3 decades, I had practiced TM and its advanced programs and in more recent years had been enjoying Holosync meditation. This Deeksha experience was definitely more powerful and profound than anything I had experienced so far. I rarely experienced anything noteworthy in meditation, although I had certainly received many benefits in my daily life. However, even after all those years of faithful meditation practice, I was still plagued by a nearly continuous low level anxiety and a deep fear was always lurking around. Here, after a touch on the head, I was feeling profound changes in my brain that seemed to last and last.

A week later I received another deeksha with similar results. After that it was to be several months before I had another opportunity. I already knew I wanted to become a deeksha giver, but had not yet reconciled myself to committing to a trip to India. My life was already dramatically transforming, with strong emotions surfacing to be deeply physically experienced and released. I can’t remember my exact day to day state at the time, but I know I was feeling better than ever most of the time.

In July I received several more deekshas and the energy was moving in me more and more powerfully. I would not be able to sleep from the rush. I loved getting deeksha and now a more personal relationship began to develop with Amma and Bhagavan. In one of the deekshas he appeared to me and reassured me about a personal worry I had. In others I just felt the energy and the wonderful feelings accompanying them. I began talking to Amma and Bhagavan regularly. At this point I knew I would go to India and do the 21 day process so I could put my life in service to Amma and Bhagavan. In the mean time I took every opportunity that presented itself to get more deekshas from different people and continued to experience life intensely.

Finally, in November I landed in India. The second evening in India, a few days before the process, a new friend gave me Deeksha. That started the first of many sleepless nights where the energy would be pulsing through me forcefully yet mostly very enjoyably. Strangely, even though I barely slept for over a week, I was never tired.

The 21 day process began most powerfully for me. The divine presence in Golden City was so strong that it was impossible not to feel it. Throughout the process, my heart continued opening more and more and I felt a powerful flowing of profound love in and around me. I just felt like hugging and connecting with people all the time. Life seemed to slow down to help me fully savor the experience.

The first days of Homas and healing and clearing really opened me up to a new reality. The transformation was a very intense experience of which I will spare you the details. Suffice it to say that I fully gave myself to the process and as I surrendered, my experience of life changed very subtly, but very profoundly. I was shown on a deep experiential level that the divine was not separate from me, but that it encompassed both what I had experienced as “me” as well as the mind with which I had had a love-hate relationship and with which I had struggled all my life.

Now I saw the mind as a divine tool, a friend to be cherished. I also was losing the static sense of “I” that I had always identified with, so the mind was not able to hook into anything. It continued to tell its stories, but they were not taken so seriously anymore. There was no more inner struggle as I accepted things as they appeared, including any inner conflicts that then automatically ceased to be conflicts. What else could be done? I had no control over my inner state anyway.

As this happened, I was beginning to experience life more and more physically. I could no longer escape from my experiences. The intensity of it was overwhelming at times. The experience would vacillate between feelings of blissful expanded awareness and intensely physically painful emotions, between the experience of fullness and the experience of emptiness and physical pain. I went through experiences of oneness with the divine to feelings of gut wrenching doubt, fear, and utter aloneness. In neither case could I find a separation from the divine, although at times, there was the experience of absence of the divine.

Strangely, despite the intensity of the experiences and the knowledge that in the past some of them would have caused tremendous suffering, I did not suffer at all. The experiences were there, but I recognized them as the gift they were. By diving into them and fully experiencing them, I became more and more free. As the 21 days went on the vacillating became more and more smooth and gentle and by the time it was time to go home I was in quite a wonderful state all the time.

Since coming home, the process has continued, with even more profound insights of Oneness not just within myself, but with everything and with God. More deeply buried stuff continues coming to my conscious awareness and gently releases without much trouble.

The old yearning and seeking “me” separated from others and from God seems to have gone forever. Yet my life continues as always. There still are “good” days and “bad” days, except that the concept of good and bad have become meaningless. Maybe it is more accurate to say that there are good days and better days, as bad is no longer experienced as something bad. I function more or less normally, but my inner perspective will never be the same. There is no more guilt, worry, and anxiety as those were emotions that arose from resisting life as it presented itself.

Before experiencing deeksha, I had begun to believe that life without fear would never happen for me, but it is here, yeah!! It is as if I have stepped over the threshold of a whole new reality, which I am just beginning to explore and which has endless new and deeper or higher frontiers for me to explore. I have never felt more alive and excited to see what is next while I fully enjoy what is here now. I can truly say now that life is wonderful, amazing, a continuous miracle. And I have yet to experience anything particularly mystical, but really, who cares?

In deepest gratitude to Amma and Bhagavan for the life they have given me.

Marieken